Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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