I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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