sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize