Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
