new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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