Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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