I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
