we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
