i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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