I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm passing your future prison.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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