I cannot find my penis.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
