went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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