My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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