i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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