Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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