I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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