no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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