Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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