My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
