just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
