I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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