Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I bet he comes in French.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
