I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
