why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
