look no pants
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
