Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
