I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
