i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize