plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
