Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
