when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
