I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
