The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We left the knife in your bed.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
