Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
