I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Fuck appropriateness.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
