how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
