My sheets look like a crime scene.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
