i already hear my dad disowning me
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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