Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
