M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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