We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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