He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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