In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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