Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
