If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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