Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude i'm inner monologue high
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
