3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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