i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
