Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My ATM looks so different sober.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
