No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
ttyl tear gas
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
