our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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