omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Drake has all the answers
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize