So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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