We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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