Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
