fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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