i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
