I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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