I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Couch. On fire.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
