Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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