would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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