Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
