I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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