And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
