Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
