Got a toothbrush?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
