I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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