You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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