final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize